HSM #8: We Are Not Amused – a Fairy Tale in One Part.

Once upon a time, a humble servant (aka, moi) found a pattern she believed would make a good “base” for an Enchanted Edwardian Gown. It is difficult for her to recall whether it was found in the Land of Etsy or the Land of eBay, but in one of those there lived a Retail Princess who offered the pattern at a price below that which was found in any Kingdom. Delighted to  have been so favored by the Sewing Universe, our humble servant inquired as to the health of said pattern. The (scheming) Retail Princess smiled and assured the humble servant the pattern was uncut and in excellent health, although the envelope had suffered slightly in a recent scuffle with a pair of scissors.

Antique Thai Scissors

Antique Thai Scissors

Knowing how scissors can be, feisty underlings that they are, the humble servant felt assured all was well and offered her custom to the Retail Princess. Days later, the pattern arrived by Mechanized Woodsprite Courier Services. The humble underling mended the sliced envelope with Magical Transparent Tape and set it aside.

Yesterday the sun rose and filled the Kingdom with warmth. The humble servant completed her duties in the Land of Blog and the Empire of Facebook, then gathered her fabric and the pattern envelope – eager to see the Enchanted Edwardian Gown come to life.

She shook out the yards and yards of fabric, iron them carefully, then set them aside. Next she opened the pattern envelope and – behold! – there were crinkly bits in the bottom, stuffed inside the pages of directions.

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At that, our humble servant was immediately suspicious, since crinkly bits are not commonly found in any uncut patterns in any Kingdom. So she proceeded with care, teased apart the large leaves of pattern paper and cut the pieces need for the Enchanted Gown. In the end, she discovered that the (dastardly) Retail Princess had lied. The pattern was not uncut, nor was it in good health. The front and back bodice pieces were missing.

Casting a disparaging eye over the crinkly bits, the humble servant gently opened them up, only to find oddly suspicious negative shapes. Shapes that look as those that would have surrounded front and back bodice pieces.

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By then it was too late in the day to act, so the humble servant had a large glass of wine with dinner and called it a day – after issuing multiple verbal curses and conjuring a few lightning bolts against the (truly dastardly) Retail Princess.

(found on Pinterest)

(found on Pinterest)

This morning, the humble servant worked her best magyk upon the Ether of Internet, only to find that the pattern was to be found in none of the local Kingdoms. Special Delivery via Golden Unicorn would take too long. There was nothing to do but mount her trusty steed and search the land.

Sadly, the trusty steed had gone lame in one foot and so time was needed to have the beast re-shod. Eventually, however, the humble servant was underway. To her delight – and, admittedly, more than a bit of exasperation – she discovered that the pattern in question was indeed available in a neighboring Kingdom. Having shaken the last coins from her purse, she held the precious pattern close to chest as she rode home where she decided that another large glass of wine would not be amiss with tonight’s dinner, either.

As for the Truly Dastardly Retail Princess, to her our humble servant offers a wry smile…and about 20,000 volts.

(from giphy)

(from giphy)